2015

do you know why i'm so bad at being a friend

because the better I got at being myself

the more i fell out of place

with everyone else.

maybe

if i could

i would dedicate my entire life to music. because it always is everything, and always has been.

and may it always.

how the long distance thing works for me

once i say goodnight to you

i wait the whole day for you to wake up

well this is a suprise

it's been so long since i've been so happy!

and i have an exam paper tomorrow D:

but whatever, i'm actually pretty excited about life again. i missed the feeling! aww so bittersweet.

and all it took was some planning for future activities and saying yes to stuff and taking little risks with the humans and cat i love.

and of course, praying. because i prayed so hard that night and it all became better in an hour and that's really pretty darn amazing

#2

we always dream. but dreams are the furthest things from the true future and yet the closest things to our hearts. there are the lucky, but you're either very fortunate or very selfless. how long have i been depressed? as long as reality's been around and been the only way out. which sounds bad. but maybe i'll get over it. maybe i'll stop being such a wusd and just shut up and get the job done.

prelude

Here it is

The last of our kind. Ambition. Motivation.

I am the one that will walk the streets, with a briefcase in hand and a cellphone pressed to my ear. Devices galore clipped over me, hidden in my jacket. I will flag cabs and take buses and drive cars and move and move and move all around the town, seeking, talking, working.

And all whilst i feel an awful sense of accomplishment. All whilst everything I've learnt in more than a decade trapped in the education system comes to life infront of everyone's eyes. This is what I was born to do.

And that will be the last of us.

There is a generation that will live life not knowing what, where, how, why? They will question and question until their minds bend and their hearts sink and the people around them will worry and eventually give up.
And still, those lost people remain lost. And sad. And nothing, along with everything, means nothing.

Endless, senseless

get me out get me out.

i love it that you thought i was pretty

i love that your reason was "because i still love you"

these are the things i want to always remember. thank you.

dreams.

i want that life where you're stuck in a dream and you know reality is there but you're just like "hey sorry man, not today alright?"
and everything looks gorgeous and every song you hear goes straight down to your bones. and the feelings you feel are beautiful because the world is as it is, and the people can be relied on to always be there and to keep you smiling and to remind you that you exist.

i want that feeling of a dream.

i want to dream.

because regardless of where you're stuck in or what assignments you have to accomplish it all doesn't matter and everything is going to be okay.

and i want you in that dream but you're so far away.

if i consider everything you've done, i regret any thought that goes along the line of you not being the right person for me. you are perfect. you were made for me. to guide me, to protect me.

and sometimes i get annoyed at that, but we should never take such people for granted. those that look out for us more than they even care about themselves.

i don't know what else to say. i love you.

what i want

i have no idea what i want in life
and i think everyone expects me to know, quick! because it'll make life easier for everyone including myself.
but i don't know what i want

i don't know what i want to do for the rest of my life, what i want to study, what job to get, what type of stuff i even enjoy

i don't know what my cat wants she's just lying there but she keeps meowing so she wants to play but she keeps running off. lazy cat.

i don't know what course to take, i think it's because im so sheltered, i never bothered to venture and experience so i don't know what my options are and what i enjoy or what i'm good at. but it's not like i don't try? or maybe i don't.

i don't know.

i sound so awful