i would just like to post this, so i can look back on it one day and either regret, miss or reminisce.

It's a minute to 10. 21 november. almost 2 months now. you'll be here to pick me up soon? and even though it'll just be a long car ride i can't wait to see you. i really do like you. it's horrible that i needed someone to help me pick up all the pieces of my life but God gave me you haha. and you don't do it by putting it all back together. you do it by helping me pick them up, handing them to me and guiding me. you make me more than i am. and i make mistakes so often but you're teaching me and sometimes it sucks to not be perfect. but whatever because you're still there. and i fear the day when either one of us gets sick of each other and this all ends and if this does happen then i hope we stay friends!

and if it doesn't end, i wouldn't mind it at all.

:)

Noooooooo


I wish i were selfish

Enough

To keep you awake

So we could talk all night

And i could be brave

To ask you if

You felt the same

Or do i just read too much into it.

if you were to change the person you are, you'd still be yourself.



 my theory is that the definition of "who we are" is not as clear-cut as the stereotypes try to suggest. the people we are/become is a combination of first basic human instincts, the survival instinct, and then of basic moral instincts, the knowledge and sensitivity and compassion, and then our own observation of the world followed by the decision we make of where we want to stand in it. then there's also family and peer influence, and in recent times, the strong pull of society's influence through the media especially.

 i can imagine that the we are all certain types of people not because we are genuinely as such, but because we choose to latch to that "type", whether consciously or not. our minds seem to be unable to compromise, to not be something definitive, so we always find an identity and stick to it for the sense of security. that sense of security? the ability to say that "yes this is what i would do". without an identity we can't make decisions because every choice seems appealing.


 and yet, we aren't that stereotype, since after all it's forced, influenced, pushed, pulled until it becomes a messsssssssssssss.





 on another note. i wonder how my writing will be after 1209193 years of not blogging/ranting. I should start using appropriate capitalisation and punctuation. Ought to be catching up on Financial Management but SO MANY DISTRACTIONS SO MANY. Distracting myself from my distraction by using blogging to distract myself from them. hahahahha.




 BYE.

19 years on this earth and I can't understand how adults can pick up a newspaper daily before they head off for work, to carry out the routine that they know so well. I've never liked routine. I will acknowledge it as safe and comforting, but I'm easily bored and yearn for the unpredictable. Pleasant and unpredictable is a wonderful combination (I am an idealistic wuss). So the newspaper thing, yeah, I don't get it. I'm apathetic, and immature; closeminded, stubborn, etc.. Call it what you want, but from this uncaring perspective, I consider all things I've read during this short stint on earth and can conclude that history never fails to repeat itself. Society is stubborn, it sticks to routine, we don't really learn from the past. We just like to talk about it. After all these years, picking up the paper and reading it seems futile and unnecessary. The headlines start to look the same: "economy in crisis", "politician corrupt", "new research shows this", "criminal arrested and punished". Perhaps so much more that I've ignorantly missed out. Yes, reading current affairs keeps you updated, linked to the world, and keeps your language intact. But why don't we learn from mistakes? That's what frustrates me, that the world does not churn out different problems, it gives us the same ones, reminding us that we are not limitless and not as genius enough so solve anything. Or maybe we are just too afriad to break out of routine. Want the latest news stories? Go grab yesterday's paper.

BODYSLIDE BY TWO.

I LOVE DEADPOOL I LOVE CABLE. I LOVE DEADPOOL AND CABLE TOGETHER. AND HOW THEY CAN'T SEEM TO EVER BE APART HAHA. And I love Dom. And her relationship with Cable. And her powers. And her appearance. And if I had to choose which comic book character I would want to be, I would say Domino. And it would be awesome. Haha. Just needed to rant about this.

Terms and conditions are funny. They put it there and it's really up to you to find it and squint really hard and read.

I am sitting in the car's backseat alone because of a schedule mistake and laziness to get out. So i sit here and wait and complain to myself about how difficult it is to blog via iphone, how annoying it is that I am blogging, how stupid I feel for not bringing my wallet and how I wish I had a book with me right now. A comic book please.

My favorite comic book superhero? Green Arrow.

The JLA characters pretty much make me a DC fangirl, I think it's because of all the cartoons growing up, I do remember watching Iron Man when I was a kid but the superman/batman bromance is prettt unforgettable, it was kind of always there.

I like oliver queen. And its strange because I don't think I would have liked him when I was younger. But somehow my taste has changed: I like Green Arrow cause he's rich, wise-cracking, smart mouthed, reckless, bad guy with the good heart, romantic, heroic and a fine fine archer. And he and black canary are just that typw of "awwwww shucks" couple.

And it's kind of strange because his appearance is arguably not as appealing as Batman and yea that yellow facial hair makes him seem older which makes me feel old for making him my favorite.And I am old. Sort of. And then I realise that I am writing a blog post about my favorite DC superhero and then I feel less old.

I need sleep.

It seems odd that when in a group, one's perspective is switched to "me against the world", but when faced with solidarity it becomes "the world against me". As I sit in an unhealthy fast food chain that sells food that seems cheap but really isn't, healthy but really isn't, I realise my self consciousness is multplied tenfold, and I suddenly have the need to prove to everyone (in actual fact, no one) that I'm smart (I hold a book open, ironically under my phone), am not lacking in friends (hence am typing away on a phone in an obvious sign of communication), and when I consider it, I conclude that we humans, or at least, me human, are/is incredibly self concious, self obsessed and we just care way too much of what others think about us. The sheer number of times I use the word 'I' (and am forced to capitalise it to save my language abilities) is making my just eaten unhealthy meal rise in my throat. It makes me sick that I'm actually writing a post right now, and it sounds so briliiantly condescending and awful and I wonder if I really should post it.

BUT I SHALL! Muahaha. because a year from now, I would like to reread this and try to gauge how much more/less of an asshole douchebag I have grown into

merry christmas!

happy boxing day haha. got a guitar for christmas:) an accoustic one. it is pretty and the sound is just really good my heart cries when i hear it i swear no joke the sound is that awesome asdfghjklajdlajs. haha i love my mum and dad :)

my bro got some cool game thing that you attach to ur xbox n then voila u play without a controller but using ur body movements. i... did not know technology like this was already being sold commercially so it kinda blew my mind HAHA i feel outdated.

anyway christmas over! new year coming, im excited! last year at jc it will be a bittersweet one i hope. i love you all!

off to another long period of interweb abstainence cos i can

Hello sleepless nights and plastic walls
injured souls and curtain calls
u whispered things that I could hear
I chose the path to where it'll lead

playing God never goes right
the sun is dead during the night
I had my sights set on content
now I'm the bad guy

If we lived In absolutes
I wanna live in absolutes
I wanna live in black n white
and u could choose your side

just this morning I asked You
why couldn't this be alittle more simple
I thot I had it figured out
but u make sure I don't build that tower

it's past the time i should sleep
I haven't time to feel the need
I haven't time
I have no time

A christmas post cos it's chritstmas in a few days

Was gonna pos a letter to God but posting it on a public space felt like inwas bragging that I was better than everyone.

Anyway MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope everyone has a good one :) I live Christmas cos it reminds us that we aren't alone, that God sent his only Son down here to earth just to suffer and die cos WE COULD BE SAVED. It's just amazing.

I wonder if anyone still reads my blog HAHA HI THR BORED PERSON GET OFF THE INTERNET N GO DO SMTH WORTHWHILE LA. anyway just wanna say thanks for reading my blog. N if consider me a friend, thanks for being my friend. I treasure everyone that bothers to bother about me because it matters to me. I feel forunate cos if u so THANK YOU GOD BLESS I LOVE YOU MERRY CHRISTMAS :) I hope that I can be capable of making you happy I will try my best :D

Resolutions for the new year? Same as always. Become a better person, be there for friends, family, be a better Catholic, study hard and do well, get rid of arrogance and be happy and make others happy.

so



there's a thousand reasons for you to stay. even if you lacked the simplest things or the most complicated. even if you watched the television teach you how to love and you realise that you don't have it, and you feel empty and stupid, there's still a reason to live.



i've learnt that from You. that what we see isn't what we should live by. the world is tricked into thinking that everyone's life must be lived out that certain way. rich beautiful in love perfect. it's what we dream of, that ideal dream that ideal life but it just makes us feel like we fall short all the time.



i don't know where to start. that's the problem. i don't do starts, i do intermediates haha. i work off other people. i can't start of a conversation and immediately give a spectacular impression. people think im stuck up or foolish or unfeeling or weird. it's like some messed up role i play. give me a script, i'll play from a role. but life doesn't write one for you, so i end up being a mix of personalities it's kind of messed up. i don't have an identity. who i am is not being a single original idea, i steal from the people around me and twist it to fit myself. perhaps its laziness? haha probably.



from now on, im going to use this blog to write letters to God. was planning to do it on a notebook but I HATE MY HANDWRITING HAHA. the thought of writing in my handwriting makes me cringe hoho. ok im hungry and tired. hope i don't fall sick.

cant wait for monday to be over.

i wish the guys that i ahem like/admire/have a crush on/whatever you may call it, have blogs. then at times like this when im tired and its late but i dont want to go to sleep cos i feel like i should be feeling something that i dont so i should stay up til i find that feeling. if they/he had blog(s) i would go read it and i'd feel much better. cos i know i wont feel anything but happiness just to be able to know what he's thinking. its like talking to that person without talking to that person CREEPY AINT IT HAHA. but its like u're getting to know that person and you grow closer but i guess it'll be a one sided thing. unless you bring up the topic when that person is awake/available and continue with it then yea it'll be really meaningful (:

i do love reading friends' blogs, i usually do when im feeling like this butbut it's just not the same? haha it is kinda, just not really.

anyway i think im ready to sleep, i should, my dad just came in to remind me to sleep. i have school tomorrow.

i wrote a long long post about quitting the internet cos it sucks AND THEN I CLICKED POST N THE POST DISAPPEARED HAHAAHAHHAHAHA MY THEORY PROVED

anyway basically, planning to stop using internet and devote more time to more meaingful stuff. like God and music and writing and reading and learning and studying and being there for people

HAHA BYE

i wish i was that type of girl that prances around and is always happy and bright, and when she meets with others, she makes them happy, she brightens up their day with a smile. and shes so lovely and caring and sensitive and perfect and she makes u feel like you're that special someone to her and you can't help but feel good even on bad days.

but im not, i just make mistakes over and over and i don't know how to handle situations and i dont know what will make you happy. i just be myself and im honest and i will tell you "i'm right here and i care" but i know its not enough because i don't really matter enough.

and its okay, im okay with it. my life doesnt suck, im actually happy, or at least i can be. but because you aren't, because everyone else doesnt seem to see how awesome life is even when it doesnt seem that way it feels like I FAILED like im alive but i don't serve a single purpose because i cant do this one little job, i cant cheer you up. i cant make you feel good.

i should lie more often, i should be a little sweeter, alittle kinder, alittle less weird (not possible), alittle more understanding, less lazy too.

:)

AND I NEED TO GET BACK ON THAT DIET THAT I HATH FORSAKEN AFTER ONE DAY HAHAHHA

does it make sense if i said my life sucks because other people are miserable? and i cant make them happy, it doesnt work, no ones happy. not really.

theres so many things wrong with me and i just need that one person to help set it right.

im so tired everyday i wanna just drop everything and cry myself to sleep

when will my turn come
to talk about stuff
that you tell me about

your wishes your dreams
they're all coming through
or at least on the way to being as such

and one day it'll be my turn
to say
i don't know what to do
but i'm so happy i could scream

but when would that day be
i'll wait for a dream

hello im tired all over again
its like a cycle that won't ever end
would you let me rest my head on you
would you let me rest

what if i said i was letting go
do we never ever wanna grow old
i don't want to, we don't have to
if you'd live inside a fantasy
we'd suffer like the children did
peter pan syndrome and your down with it

are you up for it?
one more try?
or should we give up now while the ground is dry
before the rain falls
i want rain falls
cos they chill your bones
soak your skin
it chills your bones
it means you live.

i'd made the move to disappoint
offer firsts give lasts so whats the point
of knowing you when you won't smile
because of me, no you won't smile

sex is everything and we both know it
the world is obsessed before they show it
i feel artistic so let me be
i feel like waves are crashing over me
and im swimming out to sea
on a drafted plank
from a sunken ship
where we'll meet

and where the moon will shine
all night
and we will let go let go let go of everything
just let go

and lose our way again
the snow falls falls into rain
i let her hand slide
she felt you underneath her skin
i let her hands
don't be mistaken
my jealousy's not yet taken a vacation
on the south west corner of the worldwide world
have you seen they said it was a miracle
but i don't believe it

and where the moon will shine
all night
and they will dance to the songs, they will dance
and let go