i was reminded today how it is easy for guys to joke with each other and like tease and kid around even at times when one of them is really thankful and it doesnt come off as unappreciative but i could see how "brotherly" it was and how the guy was genuinely happy and both of them had this tacit agreement that they both care for each other.and the friendship is to the point where they can say anything at anytime whether it may be nonsense or really really personal stuff and its fine. with girls its still there but alittle more complicated and somehow i am more touched when i see the camaradarie between guys. sigh. i am and will always be slightly envious. but im glad ive grown closer to people.

and i really wish i had really high EQ. or at least like a sentence that i could say to cheer people up. because i hate it when people i love are feeling down and it doesnt work when i try to cheer them up because im so bad at it but i wish i could help but i cant ):

from now on, i resolve to be nicer, the be there for people. n to stop suaning feroz cos its just plain mean (:

GOODBYE INTERNET. YOU ARE A COMPLETE WASTE OF MY LIFE, I WILL NO LONGER ABUSE U TO TALK ABOUT MYSELF HAHA.

:D see u next year.

what happened to quiet intervals in conversations held under the stars because i miss that i miss being safe and being honest and complaining about selfishness while being selfish. what happened to creating memories. what happened to me.

im still a young immature kid, (almost) crying over losing friends who you remember promising to never not be friends with, to keep on being honest with and everything, but then it ends and things change and then you just learn to take steps back

and bump into new people.

but you never forget :)

i am excessive and you are insistive. slipping into that self conscious selfishness again, the world won't wait for me to learn my lessons and change my ways. and everything is in fluctuation. whats right and what's wrong;

oh wait this is the guilt talking. or perhaps the fact that i have 3 hours to sleep.

i despise change, and endings. when things arent what they were and you're losing it to the past. i hate when you hang up and you think about the conversation that passed and listen to the sound of the dead line. but the problem with not letting go is that its... selfish

i realise i really need someone there, to hold my hand and lead me along, to tell me to keep going, to keep me happy even when im working, because my priorities are all messed up i am on a slippery slope.

im going to be totally immature right now and act like some young teenage girl even though im smarter than this but whatever but whatever. i wonder if i'll ever fall in love. i wonder if love exists already, or it is to be created. i am aware of love from friends, God, family but now im being immature so let me talk about romantic love like boy girl stuff like teenage stuff ok lets be superficial and shallow for this while. i wonder if i'll ever fall in love. or fall into the idea of what love should be. i wonder what love is. i wonder if u really really like the person truly, like every fault and every thing every feature or just the idea of it or just the person in general. does society's idea of love shape relationships. are we meant to acknowledge a person as a lover merely because of courting and of touch and of words. i don't know. do we truly romantically love a person? what does that even mean. does fate really matter. i wonder if it does. haha honestly its not going really well in my favour haha. and does love mean that we have to lower expectations? or just wait? must i let go and just accept that i am not extremely attractive and thus perhaps not worthy of being with the people that i "fall" for. like crush on. plus is crushing even right? because we judge by appearance right? but i can sort of see his character and i kind of am attracted to it. but what if he isnt really like what i think he is. so im wrong? so everything just has to happen? so i just wait? but what if its perfect. haha i am impatient. butbutbut. i dont know why i even bother.

THERE ARE BIGGER THINGS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD WHY AM I LIKE THIS

i wonder if he sees me,
or if he sees through me.
i wonder if this is healthy

or if it would mean anything

in the end?

need to set my priorities right. what with DBSK, MM, pre-u, basically school stuff and music leaving me rather disappointed, i shall set a new set of goals:

-God
-Studies. studystudystudy
-Japanese. studystudystudy
-just being a better person. making others happy (:

after JC i hope i'll free time to catch up on stuff like piano,diving,writing, reading.. and maybe i'll join more church stuff.

ok im feeling abit more organized now

i need to stop eating everytime i feel down. or happy. hahahaha OK


THREE MEALS PER DAY OKAY THATS IT.

i can kinda get why people label kpop "gay". most of the idols are wayyy prettier than some girls and the whole group dance routines arent exactly super masculine all the time. the english lyrics (so elastic) of those super catchy songs by idols are ridiculous, their performances are sometimes gimmicky(guitars not plugged in) and downright horrid(SNSD)... i get it i get it it is kinda corny. but u cant say rock isnt gimmicky. a guy strutting on stage like he is god is only justified because he actually has talent to play a musical instrument but its still pretty damn stupid and narcissistic if you look at it. plus then certain kpop idols are actually TALENTED (e.g. DBSK, DBSK and DBSK) and personally i would marry any kpop idol than a messed up drugged musician.

and i think everyone would agree that pete wentz vs any kpop idol group in gayness, pete wins hands down.

i prefer guys with their morals in place who look pretty and act "gay" rather than manly assholes who act cool. kpop idols win because majority of them are as honest (they arent afraid to be their goofy, sometimes insecure selves) and humble and normal and so gosh darn lovable.

its sad that people get such a bad impression of kpop. it actually has such a beautiful side. music always does

i want him to put me in his pocket so he can carry me around everywhereanywhere and i can listen to his voice everydayanyday because it is all i ever want; just to be there, by his side and he will sing me to sleep.

i wonder what it's like to date/be nichkhun he is freaking godly how is that humanly possible

i hate my life. i need coffee.

it is shit depressing that i cant do chem and it sucks that something as insignificant and unimportant in life (if you consider the big picture and the whole purpose of it) is bothering me i really really really hate schooling right now i want to give up i want to do something with my life

i wanted to tell him tell him tell him but i couldnt i want to tell him tell him tell him but i cant and i realise we are exposed to beauty so real and there but not actually existent in our own world we just view it so clearly as if through a clean sheet of glass that we cant get through like events we are aware of and make you think and make you tear and feel but you cant do anything about it except to feel and theres nothing you can do about it so why does it matter

today: i learnt that a falling man can fly but he was once human too

i wonder if anything is actually going to happen. something exciting and real, rather than just ideas exploding in my head. its like multiple possibilities but no way of knowing what will happen and all i can do is tell myself to have faith. but im much too impatient to shut up about it. change always comes with new things, new people. as much of an anti-people person i am, i actually am interested in human character and rather look forward to meeting new people. because the chances of meeting someone i can actually get along with is THERE and thats just better than nothing. i realise i really do like company. sort of like a common human trait so that makes me common and human. mm. i really love the night sky its like the most beautiful thing, i could stare at it for hours and feel closer to heaven. it would be nice if there was someone out there in the world thats as pointless and crazy as me HAHA

(:

and i officially suck at bio and chem i die i die

meow says:
eh friend
your blog also not bad
a bit mental
but not bad

everyone around me is dropping like flies; almost giving up, stress is seeping in and though i didnt feel it i do now thanks to mother's nagging. just a few things i lack right now: time, money, boyfriend, time, good grades

but if u put everything into perspective my life is awesome shizz HAHA

busy busy busy i have no time to think spent to much time thinking about how im busy busy busy and have no time to think because ive been spending too much thinking about how busy busy busy i am to even think