2015

do you know why i'm so bad at being a friend

because the better I got at being myself

the more i fell out of place

with everyone else.

maybe

if i could

i would dedicate my entire life to music. because it always is everything, and always has been.

and may it always.

how the long distance thing works for me

once i say goodnight to you

i wait the whole day for you to wake up

well this is a suprise

it's been so long since i've been so happy!

and i have an exam paper tomorrow D:

but whatever, i'm actually pretty excited about life again. i missed the feeling! aww so bittersweet.

and all it took was some planning for future activities and saying yes to stuff and taking little risks with the humans and cat i love.

and of course, praying. because i prayed so hard that night and it all became better in an hour and that's really pretty darn amazing

#2

we always dream. but dreams are the furthest things from the true future and yet the closest things to our hearts. there are the lucky, but you're either very fortunate or very selfless. how long have i been depressed? as long as reality's been around and been the only way out. which sounds bad. but maybe i'll get over it. maybe i'll stop being such a wusd and just shut up and get the job done.

prelude

Here it is

The last of our kind. Ambition. Motivation.

I am the one that will walk the streets, with a briefcase in hand and a cellphone pressed to my ear. Devices galore clipped over me, hidden in my jacket. I will flag cabs and take buses and drive cars and move and move and move all around the town, seeking, talking, working.

And all whilst i feel an awful sense of accomplishment. All whilst everything I've learnt in more than a decade trapped in the education system comes to life infront of everyone's eyes. This is what I was born to do.

And that will be the last of us.

There is a generation that will live life not knowing what, where, how, why? They will question and question until their minds bend and their hearts sink and the people around them will worry and eventually give up.
And still, those lost people remain lost. And sad. And nothing, along with everything, means nothing.

Endless, senseless

get me out get me out.

i love it that you thought i was pretty

i love that your reason was "because i still love you"

these are the things i want to always remember. thank you.

dreams.

i want that life where you're stuck in a dream and you know reality is there but you're just like "hey sorry man, not today alright?"
and everything looks gorgeous and every song you hear goes straight down to your bones. and the feelings you feel are beautiful because the world is as it is, and the people can be relied on to always be there and to keep you smiling and to remind you that you exist.

i want that feeling of a dream.

i want to dream.

because regardless of where you're stuck in or what assignments you have to accomplish it all doesn't matter and everything is going to be okay.

and i want you in that dream but you're so far away.

if i consider everything you've done, i regret any thought that goes along the line of you not being the right person for me. you are perfect. you were made for me. to guide me, to protect me.

and sometimes i get annoyed at that, but we should never take such people for granted. those that look out for us more than they even care about themselves.

i don't know what else to say. i love you.

what i want

i have no idea what i want in life
and i think everyone expects me to know, quick! because it'll make life easier for everyone including myself.
but i don't know what i want

i don't know what i want to do for the rest of my life, what i want to study, what job to get, what type of stuff i even enjoy

i don't know what my cat wants she's just lying there but she keeps meowing so she wants to play but she keeps running off. lazy cat.

i don't know what course to take, i think it's because im so sheltered, i never bothered to venture and experience so i don't know what my options are and what i enjoy or what i'm good at. but it's not like i don't try? or maybe i don't.

i don't know.

i sound so awful

6th jan 2013

i didnt even know what date it was i had to check.

11.19.

right now, today, i can confidently say that i have lost the ability to find joy in anything. maybe im just tired. but i think this feeling is worth documenting, hopefully i'll never feel it ever again.

i do not feel happy. i do not feel like there's anything to look forward to, even though my brain can list out things, but i feel nothing for them. im so tired of everything, there's nothing for my to live for.

i would just like to post this, so i can look back on it one day and either regret, miss or reminisce.

It's a minute to 10. 21 november. almost 2 months now. you'll be here to pick me up soon? and even though it'll just be a long car ride i can't wait to see you. i really do like you. it's horrible that i needed someone to help me pick up all the pieces of my life but God gave me you haha. and you don't do it by putting it all back together. you do it by helping me pick them up, handing them to me and guiding me. you make me more than i am. and i make mistakes so often but you're teaching me and sometimes it sucks to not be perfect. but whatever because you're still there. and i fear the day when either one of us gets sick of each other and this all ends and if this does happen then i hope we stay friends!

and if it doesn't end, i wouldn't mind it at all.

:)

Noooooooo


I wish i were selfish

Enough

To keep you awake

So we could talk all night

And i could be brave

To ask you if

You felt the same

Or do i just read too much into it.

if you were to change the person you are, you'd still be yourself.



 my theory is that the definition of "who we are" is not as clear-cut as the stereotypes try to suggest. the people we are/become is a combination of first basic human instincts, the survival instinct, and then of basic moral instincts, the knowledge and sensitivity and compassion, and then our own observation of the world followed by the decision we make of where we want to stand in it. then there's also family and peer influence, and in recent times, the strong pull of society's influence through the media especially.

 i can imagine that the we are all certain types of people not because we are genuinely as such, but because we choose to latch to that "type", whether consciously or not. our minds seem to be unable to compromise, to not be something definitive, so we always find an identity and stick to it for the sense of security. that sense of security? the ability to say that "yes this is what i would do". without an identity we can't make decisions because every choice seems appealing.


 and yet, we aren't that stereotype, since after all it's forced, influenced, pushed, pulled until it becomes a messsssssssssssss.





 on another note. i wonder how my writing will be after 1209193 years of not blogging/ranting. I should start using appropriate capitalisation and punctuation. Ought to be catching up on Financial Management but SO MANY DISTRACTIONS SO MANY. Distracting myself from my distraction by using blogging to distract myself from them. hahahahha.




 BYE.

19 years on this earth and I can't understand how adults can pick up a newspaper daily before they head off for work, to carry out the routine that they know so well. I've never liked routine. I will acknowledge it as safe and comforting, but I'm easily bored and yearn for the unpredictable. Pleasant and unpredictable is a wonderful combination (I am an idealistic wuss). So the newspaper thing, yeah, I don't get it. I'm apathetic, and immature; closeminded, stubborn, etc.. Call it what you want, but from this uncaring perspective, I consider all things I've read during this short stint on earth and can conclude that history never fails to repeat itself. Society is stubborn, it sticks to routine, we don't really learn from the past. We just like to talk about it. After all these years, picking up the paper and reading it seems futile and unnecessary. The headlines start to look the same: "economy in crisis", "politician corrupt", "new research shows this", "criminal arrested and punished". Perhaps so much more that I've ignorantly missed out. Yes, reading current affairs keeps you updated, linked to the world, and keeps your language intact. But why don't we learn from mistakes? That's what frustrates me, that the world does not churn out different problems, it gives us the same ones, reminding us that we are not limitless and not as genius enough so solve anything. Or maybe we are just too afriad to break out of routine. Want the latest news stories? Go grab yesterday's paper.

BODYSLIDE BY TWO.

I LOVE DEADPOOL I LOVE CABLE. I LOVE DEADPOOL AND CABLE TOGETHER. AND HOW THEY CAN'T SEEM TO EVER BE APART HAHA. And I love Dom. And her relationship with Cable. And her powers. And her appearance. And if I had to choose which comic book character I would want to be, I would say Domino. And it would be awesome. Haha. Just needed to rant about this.

Terms and conditions are funny. They put it there and it's really up to you to find it and squint really hard and read.

I am sitting in the car's backseat alone because of a schedule mistake and laziness to get out. So i sit here and wait and complain to myself about how difficult it is to blog via iphone, how annoying it is that I am blogging, how stupid I feel for not bringing my wallet and how I wish I had a book with me right now. A comic book please.

My favorite comic book superhero? Green Arrow.

The JLA characters pretty much make me a DC fangirl, I think it's because of all the cartoons growing up, I do remember watching Iron Man when I was a kid but the superman/batman bromance is prettt unforgettable, it was kind of always there.

I like oliver queen. And its strange because I don't think I would have liked him when I was younger. But somehow my taste has changed: I like Green Arrow cause he's rich, wise-cracking, smart mouthed, reckless, bad guy with the good heart, romantic, heroic and a fine fine archer. And he and black canary are just that typw of "awwwww shucks" couple.

And it's kind of strange because his appearance is arguably not as appealing as Batman and yea that yellow facial hair makes him seem older which makes me feel old for making him my favorite.And I am old. Sort of. And then I realise that I am writing a blog post about my favorite DC superhero and then I feel less old.

I need sleep.

It seems odd that when in a group, one's perspective is switched to "me against the world", but when faced with solidarity it becomes "the world against me". As I sit in an unhealthy fast food chain that sells food that seems cheap but really isn't, healthy but really isn't, I realise my self consciousness is multplied tenfold, and I suddenly have the need to prove to everyone (in actual fact, no one) that I'm smart (I hold a book open, ironically under my phone), am not lacking in friends (hence am typing away on a phone in an obvious sign of communication), and when I consider it, I conclude that we humans, or at least, me human, are/is incredibly self concious, self obsessed and we just care way too much of what others think about us. The sheer number of times I use the word 'I' (and am forced to capitalise it to save my language abilities) is making my just eaten unhealthy meal rise in my throat. It makes me sick that I'm actually writing a post right now, and it sounds so briliiantly condescending and awful and I wonder if I really should post it.

BUT I SHALL! Muahaha. because a year from now, I would like to reread this and try to gauge how much more/less of an asshole douchebag I have grown into

merry christmas!

happy boxing day haha. got a guitar for christmas:) an accoustic one. it is pretty and the sound is just really good my heart cries when i hear it i swear no joke the sound is that awesome asdfghjklajdlajs. haha i love my mum and dad :)

my bro got some cool game thing that you attach to ur xbox n then voila u play without a controller but using ur body movements. i... did not know technology like this was already being sold commercially so it kinda blew my mind HAHA i feel outdated.

anyway christmas over! new year coming, im excited! last year at jc it will be a bittersweet one i hope. i love you all!

off to another long period of interweb abstainence cos i can

Hello sleepless nights and plastic walls
injured souls and curtain calls
u whispered things that I could hear
I chose the path to where it'll lead

playing God never goes right
the sun is dead during the night
I had my sights set on content
now I'm the bad guy

If we lived In absolutes
I wanna live in absolutes
I wanna live in black n white
and u could choose your side

just this morning I asked You
why couldn't this be alittle more simple
I thot I had it figured out
but u make sure I don't build that tower

it's past the time i should sleep
I haven't time to feel the need
I haven't time
I have no time